QUOTABLE: "Unlike other commercial ventures, a newspaper cannot live
on profits alone. It must establish an editorial character
which justifies its dominant existence in a community."
--Eugene Cervi, Feb 7, 1946 in "Thunder in the Rockies."
*-TravelBank.Com-*
Do you have a favorite Radio Show, Host or program you want others
to know about. How about a "Stupid Media Trick" (Somthing along the
lines of Letterman's human or pet tricks). Let us know for inclusion.
PLEASE OBSERVE THE FOLLOWING MEDIA RULES:
----------------------------------------
"If it Bleeds, It Leads."
"Be first rather than right."
"Never let the facts stand in the way of a good story."
"When in doubt, analyze."
"Good news is no news, so create conflict."
"Always give the BAD GUY(s) lots of credit"
"Make sure to disclose the full names and addresses
of victims so they can be herassed."
THANK-YOU!
----------
Question: Why should lawyers love the press?
Answer: Journalism is the only profession that makes lawyers look good.
*-TravelBank.Com-*
Does your Station reflect the following?
"If you weren't listening, we wouldn't have to be here."
*-TravelBank.Com-*
GOOD LISTENING:
===============
KMOX 1120 AM - St. Louis MO,
KFAB 1110 AM - Omaha, NB,
KFI 640 AM - SoCal. - Phil Hendrie 7-11p Pacific, Bill Handle 5-9a
"Cookin With Tom"
"TROUBLESHOOTER" TOM MARTINO'S ITIALIAN RECIPIES
CHICKEN
Make sure to use a large, deep sauce pan, approximately 5 inches
deep and 10 inches across.
Ingredients
1 large onion, diced
Garlic Powder
Parsley
Ground Pepper
2 lbs Chicken Pieces, Dark and White Meat Mixed
16 oz can Tomato Sauce
2 small cans Tomato Paste
Cabernet Sauvignon
Brown Sugar
Parmesan Cheese
Pasta, Cooked and Drained
1. Saute 1 large onion in olive oil, until the edges start turning clear.
Add garlic, parsley and pepper.
2. Add dark meat chicken parts of your choice. (Legs and thighs make the
best mixture.
Skin may be removed for lower fat.) Season chicken with garlic and
paprika lightly sprinkled over surfaces. Add enough olive oil to keep
chicken shiny and hot. Continually stir on a hot flame.
Simmer for 15 minutes.
3. Add 16 oz can of tomato sauce. Simmer on low heat for 10 additional
minutes, stirring occasionally.
4. Add 2 small cans of tomato paste, 1/2 cup cabernet sauvignon, and a
palmful of brown sugar.
5. Tear chicken white meat into strips, and add to sauce mixture. Add
parmesan cheese and cook for additional 15 minutes or until chicken is
cooked through on medium-high heat.
Stir occasionally.
6. When chicken is done to satisfaction, remove from heat. Let cool.
Chicken is best if you let it cool, then reheat and serve over pasta.
*-TravelBank.Com-*
Cooking with Tom Low Fat Fettucini Alfredo
------------------------------------------
Please note: This is not a conventional recipe with exact measurements. It
is done in the old-style. And, it's adaptable. Feel free to
make changes to your taste. I think you'll find it fun and
interesting.
Make sure to use a sauce pan large enough to hold quite a bit of
fettucini, approximately 5 inches deep and 10 inches across.
Ingredients:
1 lb Fettucini Noodles
Olive Oil
Parmesan Cheese
Skim Milk
Low-Fat Mayonnaise
Parsley
Garlic
Egg Substitute (2 egg equivalent)
1. Boil water with 2 tablespoons of olive oil.
2. Cook fettucini noodles in the water until just al dente.
3. Drain off water. Do not rinse noodles.
4. In same sauce pan, immediately add 2 tablespoons of olive oil and stir.
5. Simmer over low heat and add egg substitute.
6. Stir vigorously with wooden spoon.
7. Salt and pepper to taste.
8. Add at least half a cup of parmesan cheese and garlic (at least 10
shakes of the container) over the top of the mixture.
9. Stir vigorously.
10. Add enough skim milk to keep it moist and the consistency you want.
(The fettucini mixture should have the consistency of pancake batter in
amongst the noodles.)
11. Add parsley (2 palmfuls).
12. Stir and add 2 tablespoons light mayonnaise.
13. Spices & parmesan may be added to enhance flavor. If mixture becomes
too dry, add more skim milk to adjust consistency.
*-TravelBank.Com-*
Italian Hot Peppers
===================
2 lbs. Anaheim Peppers, chopped with seeds
1 large onion, diced
Olive Oil
Garlic
1 soup can size Tomato Sauce
Brown Sugar
Cabernet Sauvignon
Parsley
Parmesan Cheese
1. Chop peppers. Keep everything but the tops.
2. Saute onions, garlic, and palmful of parsley in olive oil in a large
frying pan. Keep on high flame.
3. When onions get transluscent, add peppers.
4. Add enough olive oil to keep all the peppers shiny and continually stir
as you add 10 shakes of garlic, another palmful of parsley and two
palmfuls of brown sugar. Continue stirring until peppers begin to
soften.
5. Add two palmfuls of parmesan cheese. Stir.
6. When peppers are soft but not mushy, add a 1/2 cup of cabernet. Lower
heat to medium and let simmer 5 minutes, stirring constantly.
7. Add tomato sauce. Stir thoroughly. Heat through and remove from stove.
Peppers may be eaten warm over pasta or cold as an appetizer with
italian bread.
*-TravelBank.Com-*
Cooking with Tom: Low-Fat Meatballs Martino
MEATBALLS
=========
Ingredients
2 lbs Lean Ground Beef
2 Medium Onions, diced
Italian flavored bread crumbs
Parmesan Cheese
Garlic Powder
Parsley
Oregano
Basil
Salt & Pepper
Olive Oil
Brown Sugar
2 eggs, beaten or equivalent egg substitute
Spaghetti Sauce
1. Preheat oven to 475 degrees.
2. Warm spaghetti sauce in a deep sauce pan.
3. In separate shallow frying pan, saute onions in olive oil, with salt,
pepper, garlic and parsley until soft. Set aside to cool.
4. In a mixing bowl, add eggs, beaten, or straight substitute, to ground
beef. Mix thoroughly by hand as if kneading bread.
5. Add onion mixture. Mix by hand.
6. Add 1 cup parmesan cheese. Mix thoroughly.
7. Add 12 shakes of garlic powder.
8. Add a palmful of parsley, a tablespoon of oregano and a tablespoon of
basil. Mix thorougly.
9. Add a quarter cup of brown sugar, with a few drops of hot water to make
it a thick gravy consistency. Mix it thoroughly into the meat mixture.
10. Add 1/2 c. bread crumbs.
11. Consistency at this time should be like very thick oatmeal, slightly
sticking to hands. If you need to moisten it, add olive oil; if you
need to dry it out, add equal amounts of parmesan cheese and bread
crumbs.
12. Roll into 2 inch meatballs.
13. Place meatballs on broiler pan close together. Bake middle rack
approximately 5 - 10 minutes or just long enough to make them firm on
the outside, not hard, to where they are no longer sticky.
14. Place baked balls in deep sauce pan and cover with sauce (preferably
Tom's 20 minute variety), but Prego Traditional style will work just
fine.
15. Cook in sauce on medium to low heat until balls are desired consistency.
(It's almost impossible to over-cook them. Just make sure the ground
beef is cooked to your satisfaction.) It can take as little as 15
minutes.
*-TravelBank.Com-*
Cooking With Tom: Spaghetti Sauce
=================================
Please note: This is not a conventional recipe with exact measurements. It
is done in the "old-style." And, it's adaptable. Feel free to make changes
to your taste. I think you'll find it fun and interesting.
Make sure to use a sauce pan large enough to hold quite a bit of sauce,
approximately 5 inches deep and 10 inches across.
Ingredients:
Olive Oil
1 Medium Onion, diced
1 lb Chopped or Ground Meat of Your Choice
(chicken, beef, pork)
Garlic Powder
Salt
Pepper
Sugar
Parsley
Parmesan Cheese
2 4-oz cans tomato paste
1 16-oz can stewed tomatoes (toilet paper size can)
Basil
1. Saute onions in olive oil until transluscent around the edges,
approximately 10 minutes.
2. Add meat.
3. While meat is sauteing, add garlic. Shake 10 times. Add a few
sprinkles of salt and pepper, a tablespoon of sugar, two
tablespoons of parsley and two palmfuls of parmesan cheese.
4. Stir. Let meat brown but not cook through.
5. Mix two cans of tomato paste with enough hot water to make it the
consistency of oatmeal. Add to meat mixture and continue stirring.
Let cook for 5 minutes.
6. Add stewed tomatoes. Let entire mixture warm, stirring occasionally.
7. When mixture is warm on the surface, cover the surface of the mixture
with a light sprinkle of parmesan cheese and sprinkle one tablespoon of
basil on the surface.
8. Lower heat, let simmer 5 minutes. Then stir in a half palmful of
sugar. Add 10 more shakes of garlic, and salt to taste.
9. Everyone likes sauce at a different thickness. To get yours to its
desired thickness add one tablespoon of olive oil, then a quarter cup of
water at a time until it reaches your desired thickness.
-oOo-
"STUPID MEDIA TRICKS:"
====================
*-TravelBank.Com-*
DON & MIKE FAQ:
==============
1-800-636-1067 STUDIO,
1-800-636-6410 FAX,
1-703-691-1067 INFO LINE,
1-703-691-1900 Switchboard to WJFK
Don-n-Mike FAQ
Exclusively for alt.fan.don-n-mike
Written by: fraize@cais.com on May 1, 1994.
Modified by Chris Paulus (cpaulus@clark.net)
Last updated on June 4, 1995.
(with minor modifications throughout June)
So, how do I get it? ftp clark.net pub/cpaulus/dm.faq
http://www.access.digex.net:80/~oltdavid/dnm.htmlor
send me mail with subject of "FAQ" and I'll send you a copy.
Table of Contents 1.00
Introduction 2.00
Major Players 3.00
Background Players 4.00
The Listeners 5.00
History 6.00
Mike's Voices 7.00
(In)Famous stories 8.00
Terms and Definitions 9.00
Games People Play / Recurring Bits 10.00
Other Information 11.00
**SPECIAL THANKS TO THE FOLLOWING**
1.00 - Introduction
===================
Don Geronimo and Mike O'Meara have been entertaining their radio audiences for
9+ years (12/15/85). They have amassed a huge following in Washington D.C.
where they started. This FAQ hopes to answer some of the questions raised by
the many fans by pooling the combined knowledge of us all. If you have ANY
information that this FAQ does NOT contain, or may correct what this FAQ DOES
contain, please do not hesitate to contact me viae-mail at:
cpaulus@clark.net.Please note that the items marked were mentioned on
the show, but I never documented them. Fill-ins are welcome, please post them
tome at: cpaulus@clark.net.
[[WARNING]]
All names are spelled phonetically. Any errors in spelling were unintentional.
2.00 - Major Players
=====================
2.01 Donald P. Geronimo A.K.A. - Mike Sorce (Real Name)
A.K.A. - Donny G (Mafia Name)A.K.A . - Dick Cheese (Fake DJ-Puker Name)A.K.A. -
Dixon (Of the Fake Morning-Zoo-Type Team "The Dixons!")
Birthday 9/18/58
FAMILY Previously Divorced Ex-Wife Name Dawn, Daughter Name Amy From Previous
marriage Wife Name Freda Sorce, married in 1981 Son Name
Bart Sorce (Bart named after Bart Starr who visited Donny when he was in the
hospital as a young lad.) Dog Name Brandy. Springer spaniel. Dumb as a box of
rocks. Likes to eat cat poop and used tampons. Don thought Brandy was
homosexual for a time. Cat Name Booboo-Kitty. Died. Found dead by Big Frieda
in basement. New cat's name is Furball Brother Name Jim. Drives a truck. Lives
with wife (Angie) and child (Rachel.) Angie works at Frito-Lay. Jim and Angie
were married on the show! Aunt Name Lola. (See Section 7.00 for Don's Auntie
Lola Story.) Uncle (Well, not really) Name Tom (See Section 7.00 for Don's Uncle
story.) Father-In-Law Name Les. Lives in Ocean City Mother-In-Law name "Big"
Fredia. Lives in Ocean City. Don has lived most of his life in the Washington
D.C. metropolitan area; specifically in Great Falls, Virginia. Don't believe
him when he says he lives in Dale City in the shadow of Potomac Mills. He has
lived in Los Angeles, and Chicago as well. He spends his time driving his son,
Bart, to school, watching TV on his big Mitsubishi 35" and Direct TV satellite,
working out (mostly by jogging, and fulfilling his marital obligations for a few
minutes at a time. Last reported weight: 195 lbs. Interesting Facts: Longest
sustained sexual act: 11 minutes Favorite TV Show: Star Trek: The Next
Generation Believes God looks like Jean-Luc Picard. "This is Locutus, of
Borg. Resistance is futile.. Number One.."Has a thing about his feet. The P
(middle initial) stands for Presley. Was, once, Donald E. Geronimo with the E.
standing for Elvis. Absolutely loves Diet Cherry Coke, and will do almost
anything to get his hands on a case or 50. Has had sex with Pat Benetar
Announced that he is adopted just like Charles Broyhill (See 3.06)
2.02 Mike O'Meara A.K.A. - Mikey Blades (Mafia Name #1) A.K.A.- Mike the Pick
(Mafia Name #2)A.K.A. - Dixon (Of the fake Morning-Zoo-Type Team "The
Dixons!")
Birthday 06/22/59
FAMILY Previously Divorced Ex-Wife Name Bili (pronounced "Billy", short for Bi
lita) Wife Name Laura, A.K.A. Thumbelina. Very short (4-10) Understandably,
little is really known about Mike O'Meara. Mike's life is not nearly the open
book that Don's is. What information does comeout usually does at some protest
from Mike. An alumnus of American University, where he admits to have spent more
times behind a beer than behind a book, Mike lives in Annapolis, MD where he
drives his rich-guy car to Fairfax, VA every day for the show. He is married to
Laura, a figure skater/Highway-Love-Connection Contestant/Big-Fan. Mike and
Laura have a baby! Conception was on 09/16/94 (announced to us on
02/13/95), and was born Katherine Mary O'Meara, 06/09/95 at 5:53 PM. She
weighed in at 7 lbs. 6 oz. He likes watching TV, as Don does, but on his "Rich-
Guy" satellite dish instead of lowly cable (which is in reference to what Don
used to have.) Don recently purchased his dish. He also enjoys playing hockey
with former Washington Capitals where he frequently gets winded, and throws
up! Plays golf, and freely admits how mad he can get out on the course,
often leading to breaking a few in disgust. Depending on his mood, Mike is
either on, or off the sauce. Mike also has a new fascination with Value City and
IHOP. He enjoys going there every weekend for some type of meal. He also has
begun smoking cigars again. He has a bad habit of getting sucked into various
TV offers,such as a video about tornadoes and other things he ordered but
hasn't seen in the mail just yet. Interesting Facts: Once led Elvis-like
lifestyle for a week when he had liquid Demerol-on-tap while in the hospital
with Diverticulitis (A colon problem.) Worked as Country & Western DJ in his
radio past. He also spun records (disco) in nightclubs. Picked tabacco in CT
where he grew up. Vanity Plates "FlyBaby"
2.03 Buzz BurbankA.K.A. - Mike Ellston (Real Name)Birthday 1954
FAMILY Wife Name Marsha Buzz worked with Don when he worked in Chicago doing his
Morning show. Don liked having a News-Guy in his show so much, he demanded that
he have one on the show for the past 9 years. Other News-Guys (and Gals)
have been David-David Hanes, Dave Schreiber, and Laurie Neff (who had
several stories in her short time as News Gal. Her car was hit by Mayor Barry's
[formermayor, now Mayor again in DC. limo. Don & Mike recorded her one morning
in the rest room "preparing for her newscast while sitting on the throne.) Buzz
is also a David Letterman stalker of sorts. Just one second away from
pretending to be his wife, breaking in, and driving his cars..Interesting
Facts:Looks like G.I. Joe with real life hair and beard Sounds great when he
says "Wow."
2.04 Shari Liquor A.K.A. - Sherri Elliker (Real Name) Birthday
No longer Part of the show
FAMILY Husband Name Michael MetroTraffic sort-of-employee, Sherri is a neurotic
Traffic-Reporter turned Full-Time addition to the Don & Mike Ham & Eggs Radio
Network. She has a bunch of little dogs whom she worries herself into a fright
about constantly. Before she leaves the house, she will wake up her dogs to
check their vital status. She's obsessive/compulsive to the point where Don &
Mike like to throw paper onto the floor, and laugh as she strains to keep from
pickingit up. Interesting Facts: Dresses as Hillary Clinton for Clintoons, a DC
area Political Spoof Team Wears a lot of black. Has been in several movies as
an extra or stand-in. These are movies filmed in DC and she also appeared in a
recreation for the TV series Unsolved Mysteries. She was named after Shari
Lewis, the ventriloquist. Does the voice of Charlene (Charly Stuangstabilac's
sister.
3.00 Background Players
========================
3.01 Diana Sillman No longer part of the show
Birthday 02/08/63
FAMILY UNKNOWN Don & Mike's producer, and a whirlwind of energy. If anybody has
ever seen Diana at a broadcast site, or has ever seen her during one of D&M's
Las Vegas Style Reviews, you would know that she is relentlessly pursuing
SOMETHING! She's a workaholic, but still finds time to get ripped, call France,
and make fun of them. She had been married to somebody named Jenkins while
working on the show, hence the sometimes nickname DJ, or Deej, but is now
divorced. She will marry a former WAVA intern (John) soon. Interesting
Facts: Worked with D&M at WAVA with Frank Murphy. Quit because of Frank. No
details available. Between working at WAVA and WJFK, she worked in Baltimore at
B104 (formally WBSB, a big screamin', jammin' top 40 machine.) After B104, she
worked as a 1-900 Phone-Sex operator. Call-sign "Lucia."
DIANAS RULES TO LIVE BY: 1) There is never a reason to lie. 2) There is never a
reason to raise your voice at someone. 3) Take responsibility for your own
actions! There comes a time in everyones life that we realize the importance of
this. For some of us, this realization comes early in life. For others it
comes tragically late. Often if we realize this in our adult life, it's because
we have done something horrible, and have lost someone, or something close to
usas a result. Life is not a joke. It is not a game.. It is a precious gift
that we need to respect and appreciate. 4) Never trust anyone. Unless you think
they understand #3, and even then, don't trust them until they prove themselves.
Start them off withan "F" and see if they work their way up to an "A".5) Never
break a promise, or make one you can not keep. 6) TRY to forgive someone if they
have hurt you, but don't be discouraged if you can't forget. 7) Never expect
anything from anyone. 8) Always remember, everything happens for a reason. 9)
Look for the good in all situations. 10) Have a strong faith in God. Now, if she
follows these rules to the letter, we don't know. She does tend to yell. She
claims that she yells about someone, but not *at* them.
3.02 Robbay Spiewak A.K.A. - Robert Wadams Spiewak Jr. (Real Name)
A.K.A. -Bobby Sparkles (Las Vegas Showman Name) A.K.A. - Delores (Pre-operative
Transsexual Name) A.K.A. - BoBo A.K.A.-Round-eyes
Birthday 1971
FAMILY Father Name Robert Wadams Spiewak, Sr.Mother Name Sharon Grandfather Name
affectionately called "Big Daddy" by Robbay. Robbay started out at WJFK as an
intern in 1992, and caught Don's eye because of his girth (he's a member of the
Big-man's club, with Don & Mike), his Elvis-like sideburns, and the license-
plate on his car, "TCB BABY" for Taking Care of Business, Elvis's catch-phrase.
We found out that he was the man behind the Jimmy Stewart voice that
mysteriously called in around the holidays, wishing everyone a Merry Xmas (It's
a Wonderful Life). He's a very friendly guy, and will chat with just about anyo
ne who approaches him. Don & Mike will periodically send him out wearing his
clown suit. He currently is known as 'BoBo the Smoking Clown. He has worn a
few uniforms previously, including a pilgrim suit, first worn on the
1994 Thanksgiving show.) Before this, fans could se him frequently stuffed
into green shorts, 44DD brassiere, a director's outfit, and the big-afro-like-
wig shouting "LOOK AT ME (pronounced MAY)! I'M ROBBAY!"His catch phrase was
"Manja, baby!" (used for a signoff.) Don & Mike (now) cut him off during his
signoff as a goof when he's speaking. "Live from Main Street, I'm..."
*click* Interesting Facts Loves Krispy Kreme Donuts. His mommay wouldn't let him
engage in the 'Great Experiment' to see how much he could eat in a sitting. Is
an on-air hog, and tries to find a way to get on-air with d&m as often as he
can. His car was formally owned by a Maryland police department, and driven by
the Chief of Poliec.
3.03 Stimpy A.K.A. - Chris Mazik Former production director of WJFK. Would
burp like nobody's business to make the boys laugh. He is now in Detroit, his
hometown.
3.04 Freda A.K.A. - Honey (Don has no good nicknames for Freda.)Birthday
06/07/55
FAMILY(See 2.01)Frieda is an interesting character. Generally, you either like
her,or you don't like her. Some people find her to be a refreshing check for
Don's incredible masculinity, where others find her to be a whiney pain-in-the-
ass that won't let Don buy a Porsche (See 7.00.) She is left with the tasks of
taking care of the house while her hubby is gone, paying all the bills, getting
the newsletter together, and driving Bart home from school. She spends her spare
time with the neighborhood ladies' Book Club, and Wine Club or annoying Don with
her piano playing at all hours of the day and night. Will hang up the phone
INSTANTLY if you say the following: COME IN TOKYO!"Refers back to some movie
where a geeky guy tweaks a girl's breasts like they're radio knobs. Hates (with
a passion) when they have strippers in the studio for special occasions.
3.05 Bart A.K.A. - Bart Sorce (Real Name) A.K.A. -Big Guy (Don's nickname for
Bart) Birthday 03/31/85
FAMILY(See 2.01) We, the listeners, have had the distinct honor of listening to
Bart grow up from a cute babbling baby to the young man we have today. He has
been seen beating the living day lights out of 'Hoops' (the Bullets mascot.)
Bart has gone from Barty-o, to Bart the Weatherman (a bit not done anymore),and
will even help pick the winners of the week's football games with his dad, Rudy
Martsky, and Uncle Mike. Interesting Facts: Would get so engrossed in Sega, he
would pee his pants instead of pausing the game and going to the bathroom.
3.06 Charles Broyhill A.K.A. - Billy Reed A.K.A. - Wee Willy Reed A.K.A. -
Billy Ray Reed A.K.A. - Billy the Manslave (When he was assistant to Don BM
"Before Mike") Big Genesis and Marillion fan. He eats like a horse, and likes
to fart. He was adopted, and recently found his blood parents. His new name
reflects his loyalty to his new family. Don't call him Charly! Interesting
Facts: Drives really really really fast, Voted Most Valuable Player in the Don &
Mike Bowl is always goofed on by Don & Mike with reguarding to his "gift of gab"
(usually one word phrases.)
4.00 The Listeners - The Regulars
==================================
4.01 Dennis Murphy His voice is unmistakable! The Mad Viking, as Don Calls
him, is always a welcome addition to any show. He as free-reign to call any
time he likes as long as he sings "White Christmas." They usually put him
on restriction if he abuses this privilege. He appears at just about every
remote that the boys do. He has a speech impediment. He's about 5'7" tall, with
thinning black hair and glasses. He looks fairly normal, except for his missing
hand. Dennis is no longer a virgin, although it took a lot to accomplish this.
He just recently lost his virginity, despite Don's gift of a trip to a Reno
Whore-house in mid 1993. Don told him to'satisfy himself' before the actual
act. Dennis found, however, that this caused him to be, sort of, spent. Denise
(See 4.07) agreed to assist him in "tripping the Light Fantastique" after
winning a Strip Trivia game. She promised Don & Mike that she would help Dennis
out with his little wish, and Don remembered this some time later. He got Denise
to make good on her promise, and he lost it on September 18, 1994 at 2:18 PM
(eastern). A tape exists of the event, but no one will release it, however,
parts were played on the air.
4.02 Wanda A.K.A. - Demitrius Wanda is a pre-operative transsexual with a very
distinctive voice. Loves St. Pauli Girl, and Martinis. Mike does a wonderful
impression of her that pisses Wanda off.
4.03 Steve the Gay Guy Always organized the Gay and Lesbian Rodeo for D&M, but
has moved to Norfolk, recently. The homosexual voice of D&M.
4.04 Francis Big Breasted woman with presents for Don to fish for under her
huge-gelatinous breasts. Don always says, "As you can see, I wear my wedding
ring on my left hand, that's why I'm reaching with my right hand!" Her
presents always seems to smell of cheese.
4.05 Boom-Boom Part owner of a strip-o-gram company. Has stripped for Don &
Mike for birthday shows.
4.06 Carl (the Merry Jew, the Bewildered, dog nipples) Grossman Weird space-
cadet kinda guy that shows up at many Don & Mike appearances with his green-
guitar, into which he built an amp,speaker, and headphone jacks. Used to live
the rock-n-roll lifestyle. Was backstage at Woodstock, and lived with rock
bands, opening for such names as Alice Cooper. He took far too many drugs in
the 60s, and is paying for it now by going back to school, moving back with his
folks, and getting a new career. He Has written "two sides" "to everything" on
his sneekers. He likes to say "some people wear their heart on their sleves,
I wear my philosophy on my feet." He made a model of the human eye, for school,
which he brought to a show (at Dianas request). Drives a car with vanity plates
"Artist 1c"("Artistic licence" -- he's fond of puns). He's fastened a kitchen
sink handle to a furniture roller, and bolted it to his steering wheel, because
he's too lazy to exert the effort to steer like normal people. Has gone from
their "favorite wacko" (M. O'Meara -- I have it on tape) to being banned from
the show for his weirdness and compulsiveness, to being provisionally allowed to
call every two-weeks or so. Might've had something to do with Shari. That's
not clear. Stay tuned. Don and Mike always seem to allow him to reappear from
time to time, or whenever he can get on the air himself. He's a reasonably
articulate fellow (having had Letters to the Editor published in the Washington
post four times), but melts into a a puddle of mumbling, stumbling, unfunny
boorishness whenever he's in the presenceof Don-n-Mike, (whose greatness
intimidates the hell out of him.) Has bemoaned his recent lack of luck with the
ladies (he calls it his "long coital dry spell -- a term which Don chose not to
use) and once said it would probably have been easier if he was gay. He wrote
long drawn-out letters, begging for Don's forgiveness, and submits all sorts of
weird ideas (like peanut-butter and marshmallow sandwiches, elevator buttons
that could be repressed to turn off, a contraption which could allow people
to have sex at speeds of hundreds-of-thrusts per minute, 13-manjuries (so one
deranged idiot couldn't side-track the whole process -- since a majority of only
12 would still be required), on and on an on ad nausem. He loves Don.
4.07 Denise, Denise has been on with the cheese Gods quite a few times. She is
best known for curing Dennis Murphy of his virginity, wearing chains, and
flashing D&M. She loves sex, coining the term "Schwanking" as the activity
she loves to partake in.
4.08 Lady Cassandra A.K.A - Cassy/Cassandra/Al St. John Once upon a time before
Wanda the Transsexual (See 4.02), there was another one, her name was Lady
Cassandra St.John. This time, Cassandra actually went through with the sex
change, going from being a proud man who served to a woman. She is reputed to
have flashed D&M in their studio.There was a series of disgusting dates that Don
fixed her up with, then they introduced her to a lovely lesbian....They had a
fever courtship and were married lesbian style on the Don and Mike show 23 July
1993...About a month later she had a falling out with Don on the air and Don
kicked him/her off the show because he/she was making appearances on another
Washington, D.C. radio station. Cassandra was/is a Wican Priestess. In
otherwords, a pagan witch. Her radio exploits, coupled with the revelation that
she was a he made others in her coven insist that she back off on the witch
association. So she droppped down from "Lady Cassandra, Witch" to plain
Cassandra. She and Francis (See 4.04) have an afternoon show on a small station
in Maryland, discussing various girl-type things. They bill themselves
as "opposites attract" (ie: "Cassandra's Gay, and Francis isn't...Francis
likes guys, Cassandra doesn't...But we get along just fine."
4.09 Tom Gavin Tom Gavin, affectionately known as Tommy, called into the Don
and Mike show one day, and fast became one of the regulars. He was first
noticed by his illegible and mispelled faxes, that looked like an elementary
school kid wrote them. It was only many months later that he actually called
and got on the air. Tom is famous for the phrases "Hey buddy!", "Yep." "How you
doin'?" and "How you doin' out deer goiz?" He has an accent that would be
closely related to someone who is mildly deaf or Elmer Fud. He has a fondness
for Shari, since he always gets in a few words directed at her when he
realizes that Don and Mike are going to take the hook out of his mouth (hang up
on him.) Also, he is a DJ on an FM cable station in Fairfax County. It is the
public access station provided by the Cable Company. That frequency is 94.7
(WCSX), which you can listen to if you have an FM splitter, or you can listen by
tuning in channel 37 on Greater Media cable in Fairfax county. Don and Mike
enjoy playing his DJ tapes, and goof on him as they do with other people who are
in their business. He frequently repeats himself on these tapes, and leaves a
lot of dead air. There was a "Tom Gavin's DJ Delights", which served the
Baltimore/DC area, but I don't know if this is the same Tom Gavin. He also is a
terrific speller. So good, in fact, that he only spelled one word correctly
after a few dozen words for him to attempt. The phone tics aren't even there.
He will, in most cases, start off spelling a word for Don a nd Mike, giving the
first letter correctly, then completely blowing the rest of the word.
5.00 History
============
Don Geronimo started in radio at 16 years old. He worked in New Yorkas a DJ
making what he thought was good money, had his own place, and'made-it' with
teachers who heard his voice on the radio. He was a smart-ass all his life
which landed him in trouble, and in-and-out of many radio jobs. He even did it
with a midget, which he likes to talk about. He has been fired from some 20
radio stations! Most of the time, he's been fired for talking too much and
playing too few songs. He has DJ'ed in Los Angeles, Chicago (at WLS), New York
City, Detroit at WDRQ (for 6 whole weeks!), WNDE in Indianapolis, WPRO in
Providence RI, and here in Washington on 3 stations; WPGC where he was just Don
Geronimo doing his usual top 40 music-show, WAVA where he and Mike
O'Meara replaced Charlie and Harrigan on "The Morning Zoo!" and now WJFK where
their antics are legendary.
Mike O'Meara spent most of his youth sitting in bean-bag chairs in his parents
basement listening to Iron Butterfly, Boston, and Pink Floyd. Later, he found
his way into radio where he worked a couple of Country Stations, and eventually,
into WAVA in Arlington, Virginia. Don first joined WAVA (Wave-Uh) in '84 where
he did afternoon drive. His son Bart was just born, and constantly called home
to talk to his wife, Freda, during the show. Mike worked as, no joke, the Wave-
Uh Van-driver. His job was to schlepp the promotions department's van to and
from appearances. That's where the two met. They used to yukk it up in the
hallways of "The Stinky Station," (and mind you, it DID smell bad) so much that
the program director decided to can his Morning Zoo Show with Charlie and
Harrigan in favor of Don & Mike. The Morning Zoo show aired from December of
1985 until June of 1992 on WAVA. The program directors, over the years, always
tried to keep a tight rein on them. "Eleven Songs in a row, not ten, not nine,
ELEVEN!" "Try and keep the recurring bits at the same times during the day. If
you do Crooks Are Stupid at 9:00, ALWAYS do it at 9:00." At times, Don & Mike
would try and listen and do what they said, but often, they didn't. They've
been suspended at least twice in my memory. After a while, Don & Mike came to
truly despise program directors for their meddling-driving some PD's to tears
(Li'l Matt Farber, now working for MTV. His handshake is like a dead fish. He
used to take his shoes off during meetings and rub his toes.) They even began a
love-hate relationship with the Vice-President/General Manager Alan Goodman. Big
Al(Your Radio Pal), who was also known as "The Jumpin' Munchkin", was a balding,
annoying little guy who always gave nicknames to people he worked with. I
remember he used to always say, "Good Morning Dee! Good Morning Emm! "Don and
Mike hated working at that station. They gave them no latitude to do what they
wanted, even though their ratings were stellar-sometimes commanding upwards of a
13 share! They had to get out, but their contract was very binding. Their
frustrations became apparent several times when they have walked out of
broadcasts, been suspended, and blatantly vocalized their unhappiness. Some of
these set backs caused "rebirths" of sorts where Don & Mike would go back to
their older styles of broadcasting spawning "The NEW Sound of Don & Mike" and
crap like that. One way, or another, however, Don & Mike were determined to
leave WAVA. Emmiss Broadcasting owned WAVA, but came upon some financial
troublein 1992. Finally, it was reported that WAVA was up for sale.
Salem broadcasting, a Christian Radio organization, bought out the station
almost immediately, but assured the on-air talent that their jobs were assured
in the reorganization. Even though, Salem didn't own any Top-40 radio stations,
they still pretended that they wouldn't change the format to religeous. Well,
that was Don & Mike's cue to get out. They were given offers from other radio
stations, including Chicago and LA. As an aside comment, when WAVA was being
sold, Don and Mike had a job offer from KLOS in Los Angeles. The boys turned it
down because they wanted to stay in the Washington, DC area. They thought that
the problems with WAVA would clear up, and things would be back to normal.
Since they weren't going to take the job, some radio guy (assuming he worked for
KLOS at the time) wanted Don and Mike to hear a few DJ airchecks. The idea was
to get two guys who sounded like Don and Mike. So they both listened to
the tapes, and picked a real winner (in true Don and Mike style, of course.).It
was so bad that, as a joke, Don and Mike said that they would be perfect for the
job. This was done purely as a goof. These two radio guys which Don and Mike
picked to take the LA job were none other than Mark and Bryan. I have no idea
how they became number one in LA, but they did. At least, until Howard Stern
kicked them off the top spot. That makes me happy, since I like Howard as well,
but that's just my opinion. They were made an offer from WJFK and Infinity
Broadcasting where as they would buy out Don & Mike's contracts. Things weren't
all rosy at WJFK, either. Not long before their change-over, their producer,
Frank Murphy, booked Leslie Nielson for the show. At the last minute, Leslie's
publicist backed out without explanation. Don & Mike proceeded to rip into
Leslie's publicist to the point where she filed a $15 Million lawsuit against
Emmiss Broadcasting, Don, Mike, and Frank. The lawsuit followed them to WJFK
where it ended in an undisclosed settlement.Then, finally, in 1993, Don & Mike
were syndicated by Infinity.
6.00 Mike O'Meara's Voices <<<< The more Talented of the pair...
===========================
6.01 Charly Stuangstabilac Charly was born, 42 years old, on the anniversary of
D&M's first show together, December 15, 1985. Now, turning 51, he's still one
of the most popular characters on the show. He is described as 6'5", 250lbs,
Mr.Clean-bald, and wears Bib-overalls. He lives in Gaithersburg where he
shares a duplex with his brother Matthew, and his friend Huggybear. If anybody
hasever seen Full Metal Jacket, and remembers the character of 'Private
Pyle,'can imagine what Charly looks like. Charly was married to Baklava
Souvlaki, a woman he met at the Nut-Hut several years ago. Their sex-life was
reported as amazing. Charly and Baklava, eventually, split up, but not without
producing his only son, Charly Jr. Charly Jr. grew up unbelievably quickly, and
immediately attended some military academy. Charly and Baklava have since
patched things up, but wehaven't heard from her in quite some time.
Incedentally, Baklava's voice was masterfully created by our own Diana Silman.
Charly also has a sister, Charlene, with whom Charly does not get along with.
Charlene's voice is performed by Sherri Liquor. Even though Charly is 52, Mike
seems to miscalculate all the time. Don asks, "Charly, how old are you again?"
But Charly can never get it right, always being off by a few years. Maybe
he should just say he's 39, eh? Charly has starred in his own hit-TV show on Fox
called, appropriately, "Charly's Place." He has held down several jobs
including various duties at Don's house, construction worker, janitor,
private investigator, ice-cream taster, highway-maintenance engineer, and was
also a nurse for the used-to-be fattest man in the world "Hambone."
Considering his extensive resume, you would never think that Charly hasn't yet
graduated from Gonzaga High-School in downtown Washington, DC.
6.02 My Cousin Luigi Don's cousin Luigi came over from Italy just a couple of
years ago,and hasn't yet picked up the language. Although, if you listen
carefully, you might pick out the gist of what he's saying. By far, the
funniest voice in Mike's repertoire.
6.03 Buddy Surrell From the Dick VanDyke show, Buddy needs a squeegee to wipe
his face when he's done talking. He always has Vietnam flashbacks, and can
never remember who he's talking to after coming out of them..
6.04 Raymond Burr Big Ray is well known for his Ironsides role, as well as
his preoccupation with chocolate (See 7.00.)
6.05 Telly Savales. Who loves ya, Telly? Mamma-Savalas does. Calls once in
a while from Heaven to give Don an update on the goings on up there and heaven's
new arrivals..
6.06 Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold has a problem with phonetic spelling, but
has a beautiful singing voice. A tasty lick on the Don & Mike cafe'.
6.07 Sammy Davis Jr. Originally, Mike's most perfect voice. Sammy grabbed
Don's attention years ago, when they met. See 7.00 (In)Famous Stories.
6.08 Nick Nolte Excellent. Has awful breath, and is always "Looking for my
little dog!" Usually accompanies Don's Richard Dryfuss' "CALL 911!!"
6.09 Lucille Ball. Sometimes, this voice is rehashed for any female heavy-
smoker. Smokes menthols.
6.10 Ken Beatrice. WMAL (AM-630, in Washington, DC) radio sports-talk DJ. Very
funny voice, if you have ever heard Ken's show. Always ends up the same way,
"BYE,NOW!!"
6.11 Joe Jacoby. Pumpkin-head Joe, former Washington Redskin, is so large that
the Redskins had to contract out to get a helmet built for his super-sized
head. No - No - No - Yeah! My wife enjoys them! I'm turning into
Frankenstein!
6.12 Elvis Aaron Presley. Back when Don & Mike and Major Bill Smith were having
a bit of a tiff, Mike was working on his INCREDIBLE Elvis voice. Elvis had
apparently called D & M through the Major, and sounded slurred, and slow. Mike
picked up on immediately (See 7.06.)
6.13 Major Bill Smith. Well, y'all know the Maj's on the level. Another
great Mike-voice. Likes to eat Corn on the Cob, spam and German Potato Salad!
6.14 Alan Goodman. VP/General Manager (former) of WAVA-FM 105.1 in Washington,
DC. Flawless, and always funny. Did some classic bits including the string
of "Alan Goodman" movies: 'Goodman: The Movie", "Goodman: The Lucky Man",
"Goodman: The Prophecy", and "The Last Temptation of Alan Goodman." (See 5.00.)
6.15 Rusty Ford. Former production director of WAVA. Has to be heard to be
believed. Because nobody knows who Rusty is, anymore, Mike doesn't do the voice.
But when he did it, it was GREEAAAAAAT!
6.16 Maurice Butkus. No longer a voice used by Mike. Maurice appeared as the
sports reporter for Don & Mike at WAVA. He was very effeminate, and blatantly
a homosexual character. It was decided that Maurice had to go as to not
create animosity from the homosexual audience. Also doubled as the fashion
reporter.
6.17 Rush Limbaugh. This impersonation has actually gotten rave reviews from
the 'rhoidsufferer, himself! Always suffering from 'in flamed hemmerhoidal
tiss-yooo,'this man frequents the D&M airwaves. Rush must sit on a donut for
comfort.
6.18 RobBay Spiewak Uncanny! Even Rob's grandfather can be fooled! Loves his
Krispy Kreme donuts with raspberry filling. (see 3.02)
6.19 Hop-Sing Another great stereotypical voice, Joe! Loves that gong, and
does Don's laundry. He is always interested in "sex book, Joe?"
6.20 Stimpy Not the cartoon character, but one of the former employees of WJFK,
where D&M broadcast. His most famous line: THAT'S B.S. ROB! It's HOT HOT
HOT!
6.21 Forrest Gump Not a very good impression, but funny! Watch out for the
darkside of Forrest.
Other voices:Bono (From U2), Roger Rabit, Grandpa and Homer Simpson, Lefty
Driesel, Harv Moore (WPGC-AM 1580 Morning Mayor in Washington, DC. Is Don's
boyhood idol.), Bullethead (G. Gordon Liddy), Floyd the Barber, Suzanne
Pleshette, Fabio, Michael Eisner, and Mr. Cartoon (which always gives Mike a
migrane while doing it.)
7.00 (In)Famous Stories
========================
7.01 Raymond Burr Story Don and Mike have a friend in the law enforcement
community that raids and seizes photographs of people in 'peculiar
circumstances.' One of the photos showed a much younger Raymond Burr lying on
the floor with a younger man squatting under him doing his business IN RAY'S
MOUTH! Hence, his fascination for 'chocolate.'Wharff!
7.02 Danny Thomas Story D & M always refer to him and glass table-tops, and give
away the word 'COPROPHELIA.'For those who have not looked up the word, the long
and short of it is, a copropheliac enjoys fecal matter. As for what "Eggs,
Danny-Thomas-Style"are, I couldn't hazard a guess.. He enjoyed watching people
do their business on glass table tops while he was lurking underneath.
7.03 Aunt Lola Story - Suffice to say, Don's Aunt Lola was a bit drunk at a
family gathering, and cornered a teenage Donny in a walk in-closet, and gave him
the tongue. Aunt Lola died of a liver disease.
7.04 Don's Uncle Don's mother had a baby but then gave it to her mother
(Don's grandmother) and she raised him, so Don's Uncle is really his half-
brother. His family tried to hide it from him, but couldn't. Don is now going
to divorce his parents because they won't fess up to the information Don
has figured out...
7.05 Super jock Story - Larry Lujack worked at WLS in Chicago with Donny when he
was about 16 years old. Lujack had a bit of an attitude, and a huge ego. He
would demand that the staff, including Don, call him Superjock. Also, after-
hours, the DJ had the 'buzzer-button' to let people in and out of the broadcast-
building. So, the story goes, one evening, Larry Lujack, a bunch of Engineers,
and Donny were working in the Air-Studio, when Don decided to leave. When he
got to the door, he realized that it was locked. He looked into the security
camera and said, "Hey, Larry, let me out!" Out came a DJ Puker voice, "Not
until you refer to me as Superjock." Don huffed, and decided he would wait.
Well, Don waited for about 2 1/2 hours before he finally gave in, and called
Loojack "Superjock." As it turns out, it was only 15 minutes before another
jock relieved Larry, and he pointed out that Don could have waited, and that guy
would've let him out. Needless to say, he was laughed at for being so stupid as
to not figure that out. Since then, Don has told the story many times,
including when Don & Buzz (Then Mike Ellston --Hey, another Don & Mike Show?!)
worked with Lujack, and was actually threatened with a lawsuit to stop telling
the story.
7.06 Major Bill (R.I.P.) and Elvis Major Bill Smith (God rest his soul)
believes that Elvis is alive, or at least, that's what he'll tell you. In
truth, Don and Mike have been able to weasel it out of him that he really
doesn't believe the big E'salive at all. He has appeared on numerous talk-shows
including D&M's, Joan Rivers' and Geraldo Rivera's. Once, Major Bill had
someone, whom he believed was the real Elvis, call Don & Mike. Neither of them
really believed it was him, but Mike picked up on the phony-Elvis's voice, and
called Major Bill back pretending to be Elvis. He actually got the ol' Maj to
believe that it was really him! That was the cause of one of the first real
fights D&M and Major Bill got into. Lately, however, Major Bill seems to be
being taken advantage of by someone he calls "The Kid." It seems that the ol'
Maj has been sending money to Elvis through The Kid -- about $100,000 a YEAR for
the past few years. Don and Mike wanted to put a stop to this immediately, and
was able to convince Major Bill to stop it. It's too bad there will be no
more.
7.07 Why Frieda has all the money -- (The Porsche Story) Back in LA when Donnie
was beginning his "big-time" radio career at KIIS-FM, Don used to have to drive
this stinking moped to and from home and the radio studio. He got a bit caught
up in the LA lifestyle, and decided he would go out to a dealership and buy a
great big Porsche. Unfortunately, he would have to try and keep it a secret
from his wife because she wouldn't like him spending that kind of money.
In fact, they didn't have that kind of money to spend. So, Don used to park
about a mile away from his house, and drive the moped home. Well, Frieda caught
him getting into (or out of, I forget) the Porsche, and demanded an explanation.
They argued rather heatedly, and decided they would try and take the car
back. Donnie and his child bride drove the Porsche back to the dealership where
the salesmen greeted him with "Hey, Donnie! How's the car, eh? "Don,
sheepishly, passed the keys over to them and said, "I can't keep the car. I'm
giving it back." The sales guys laughed nervously and replied, "You can't do
that. It's yours!" So, they sued him.
8.00 Terms and Definitions
===========================
8.01 DBR - Deep ball rub.
8.02 Jag - From the football team "The Jaguars." Don thought it sounded like
a cool put down, i.e. "You Jag-off!"
8.03 Jagillooly - Perturbation of Jag (See above) and Jeff Gillooly. Another
put down.
8.04 Photo-mat - Said when the boys are looking at pretty girls, or are in
an uncomfortable situation.
8.05 Beve - Italian for 'Drink!' Used by RobBay.
8.06 "Your finger smells like butt!" Mike had, in his sleep, scratched himself
in the itchy eye (See 8.10), and the next morning, Mike affectionately stroked
fiance' (now wife) Laura's hair. She made the initial exclamation.
8.08 "Paint your Bald Spot?" A classic tape from the Larry King radio show where
a listener asked about one of his TV appearances where he interviewed John
Candy, and he had less hair than in a more recent interview. The caller
repeated the question over andover until, finally, Larry couldn't take it
anymore. "Aah, sick!" He exclaimed.
8.09 "I'm a PRO-FESSIoNAL! Look it up in the book! "Another classic tape from
Larry King. If you haven't heard it, tape the Cavalcade of Comedy (network
listeners may hear it at the top of the show. Locals will have a better chance
at hearing it between 2:00 & 2:30.) Unbelievable! The tape was made by Aquaman
of local DC station WHFS who did it many years ago, and mixed in some music from
Planet of the Apes for dramatic effect. It has spawned many quips that you
might hear anytime in the show, such as "I'm lost..","It's way up there..", and
"..and don't worry about the club..", a slur that is almost unintelligible.
And now, the complete transcript of the now infamous tape of Larry King! The
Larry King Rave Out Tape I got one more question, ah I'm a student of print
journalism, and I just wanted to know, ah, what advice do you have for ah ah
young people coming up into the field. Like, I uh, a lot of ah prof-profess-
professors are telling us how hard it is to get into the field for us, I'd just
like to know, since you're in the field if you had any advice on that.
Fer instance, experience, is that important? Uh huh, sure. Is that the probabl y
the most important, ah element? Well it's way up there.It's way up there?
Anything, anything else? Anything you can-Pressure under fire..Done this
before..I don't want it to be his first ah surgery. N'kay Applied himself
well..Mmm-hmmm These are the things I'd have confidence in the young MD. Okay.
I'm talking about journalism field. I'm lost, what do you mean? J-Journalism.
I'm like..I'm I'm a student of Journalism at a college. And I was just
wondering the most important aspect of getting into journalism. Not the medical
field. I think you're exhausted from thirty nights. I am exhausted after thirty
nights. No no person, even those of us who are superhuman. Even those of us
with ah herculean appetites for the diverse and the bizarre. Even those of us
who ah, who've shown an aptitude to ah..to aaaaaahhh..fight the good fight, and
stay the good long battle. Even those of us can get tired. And your boy is
tired after thirty consecutive nights. I've a half an hour to go, and I'm gonna
do that half hour because I'm a pro. That's what pros do. I'm a PRO-fessional.
Look it up in the book. Oh-kay.. That's what we do, we're pros. We're never
rude, and we don't cop out. We don't tell you that we're ill, or that we're
looking for the farm house in the middle of the desert, or that we're parched.
We don't tell you that maybe the check didn't come through this month, or where
the hell does it go any way, if you're a guy who's left 16 forwarding
addresses. Oh-kay.So, what do you do, what is the answer? Yeah, you're a little
perturbed, now. Kinda worried about the club? The club? No, don't worry about
the club, worry about maybe..JACKY might worry..NAH, don't worry. Okay, just
cool it..Life is a breeze. 'Course some breezes, as you know, are a hundred and
ten miles an hour and get promoted upto hurricanes, I just thought I'd pass that
along. We're go-speaking of passing along, we're gonna pass along, now to the
newsroom, the Mutual Newsroom, high atop the overlooking downtown beautiful
downtown studios of Rosslyn Virginia, Washington DC..The Mutual News room will
get us up to date on the news headlines and we'll come back with a little more
Open Phone America and we'll have our salute to my man Duke Ziebert by taking
him to one ah of his favorite places, one of mine too - town of COOPERS town,
New York. This is the Larry King show in Washington, aaaand we'll be right
back.
8.10 Itchy Eye Absolutely unknown! - Probably can guess, how-ever if you
imagine D&M laughing at somebody asking to have his itchy-eye scratched. (Refers
to scratching your anus. A sign of being old or having bad hygene. We all do
it at some point.
8.11 Teabagging - This refers to oral sex. Dipping ones balls in one's mouth.
Kind of like the motion that a teabag would make, the balls being the teabag
itself.
8.12 Queeg - Refers to G. Gordon Liddy. "Queeg" was the name of the Captain of
a U.S. destroyer/minesweeper in the film "The Caine Mutiny." He's played by
Humphrey Bogart, and this is a classic movie, well worth watching. Basically,
Queeg is an imcompetent, paranoid nut case, who gets the ship into danger so the
crew has to mutiny. Don & Mike refer to Liddy as "Queeg" because he talks a
little bit like the character, and apparently has over-reacted in a big way to
some of their antics. Watch the movie and all will become clear.
9.00 Games People Play / Recurring Bits
========================================
9.01 Low Budget Jeopardy! -- Opening: "And now it's time for everybody's
favorite feature 'Low Budget Jeopardy!' And now, I'd like to open the door to
see which one of Mike's psychotic personalities will be the announcer.."Door
opening sound, and Mike's alter ego comes in. Long discourse usually follows,
and then commercial break. Mike's alter ego will say, "Now entering the studio
is" contestant 1's occupation, and city of residence. "Please say hi to " name
ofcontestant 1. Repeats for contestant 2. "And now entering the studio is the
host of Low Budget Jeopardy, and remember DON'T SCREW WITH LQ! Let's have a big
hand for Alex Trebec Geronimo! "Contestants make usual greetings. Don goes over
the rules of the game which include, "Always call me Alex, or as we're playing
the game, call me LQ - Lord Quizmaster, always call him " Mike's alter ego's
initials, unless otherwise stated. Rules: Two players call in, one is chosen to
start off with the first answer, unless one is a girl to whit LQ uses the "We
like girls more than boys, so you get to go first" clause. The first player
chooses a category. There are 5 categories with three answers in each. Each
player, once a category is chosen, MUST complete the entire category before
going on to another category. This is more for LQ's sanity than anything
else. Once the category is chosen, the dollar amount is chosen. The
dollar amounts go from $1 to $2 to $3. Again, LQ's rules state that the player
must go from the lowest to highest dollar amounts so as to not confuse LQ.
The answer is given by LQ, and the player must come up with the question
matching the answer. Example: The category is Celebrity Bra Sizes. The
question is 'Holly Hunter." The player must respond with "What is 34B? "The
player MUST state his/her response in the form of a question. Otherwise, the
response is ignored, and the second player has a chance to steal. To steal the
right to choose the next answer, and to win the dollar amount of the category,
the first player must answer incorrectly, AND the second must answer
correctly. When all of the categories are depleted, the scores are tabulated,
and the game moves to final jeopardy. Here, LQ "physically forces [the players]
to bet it all.." The players are given a category and a single answer. The
players are then given about 30 seconds to come up with the correct question,
again, in the form of a question. L Q, then wishes them good luck, and puts the
contestants on hold, where someone answering the phones will take down the
contestants' answers, and relay them on paper to LQ. Meanwhile, Mike's alter
ego tells the audience what the losers will receive as a consolation prize.
Usually something bogus like 'Rush Limbaugh's Rush to Excellence
Suppositories. 'Then, he will announce, "Back to Low Budget Jeopardy with Alex
Trebec Geronimo. "LQ will bring the contestant back where they will give
their responses on the air. The responses MUST match what they gave the
phone screeners moments ago, or they will be disqualified. A correct answer
will double the cash score, an incorrect answer will knock the player down to
zero. The player with the highest dollar value will win, and have $25 added to
their score. The loser will receive many other gifts which Mike's alter ego
will announce - each item separated by "But wait..there's more" from LQ. In the
event of a tie, both players will return during the next game for a rematch.
The players will both get to keep their winnings. In the event both players are
knocked down to zero, then two new LBJ contestants will be chosen for the next
game. The loser is always asked to "Don't go away mad, just go away."
9.02 The Grey Poupon Game -- A player on a car phone must pull along side
someone else in another car, and ask them, while on the phone AND on the air,
the following: "Pardon me, but would you have any Grey Poupon? "The player must
speak THOSE words exactly. Any deviation counts as a disqualification. If the
respondent replies with "But of course.." then the player wins a valuable
prize.
9.03 Honk For Cash -- The dreaded words 'Honk For Cash' are feared because the
game rarely works out. The player must have a car phone, AND A CAR, The player
pulls into a 'Left Turn Only' lane with a light. The effect is best if the
player is the first or second person in line at the light, and during heavy
traffic. Once the light has turned green, the player must put his phone outside
the car window, and sit silently for 30 seconds. For every aggravated honk
heard on the phone, the player usually gets cash. If the player speaks during
those 30 seconds, or is otherwise deemed as a fraud, he is disqualified.
9.04 What My Wife Doesn't Know Won't Hurt Her -- This game has been modified,
depending on sex, to include "What My Husband Doesn't Know Won't Hurt Him."
Players call in with deep dark secrets that they haven't told their respective
spouses, yet. Those with the darkest and juiciest stories get to call their
spouses, and tell the story. Usually, big arguments arise, which makes great
radio.
9.05 Can You Get To Ten? -- One of the greatest games ever created. Don and
Mike come up with 10 big lies that the players have to tell, on the air, to
their parents. The players must go from the first lie in order to the last. If
the parent believes him or her, the player wins.An example game would have lies
similar in style to the following: 1 On a whim, decided to take a flight to Las
Vegas. 2 Once there, I thought I might go out for a few drinks. 3 You won't
believe it, Wayne Newton was there! 4 He was falling down drunk. 5 We got to
talking, and really struck up great conversation. 6 He passed out! 7 I decided
to drive him back to his hotel. 8 When we got there, he came to, and invited me
into his hot tub. 9 We got in the tub, together. 10 We made glorious love all
night. The game is especially funny if the contestant is male. Also, D&M have
been known to drag out the comedic value of the bit by not getting back on the
phone, and letting the parent know that this was all staged.
9.06 The Donny Countdown -- There's a little radio station playing inside Don's
head, and since there aren't any Radio Stations in Washington DC that play any
good music consistently, Don comes up with what he believes are the top 20 songs
of the time period (Week, Day, whatever). Hosted by Donny, Buzz, Sherri,
and another Mike O'Meara Personality. Rush Limbaugh makes a good guest-host.
9 .07 RobBay Dials for Transvestites -- Mr. Spiewak calls 1-900 numbers,
usually Hot-Transvestite numbers, and pretends he's a pre-operative transsexual
named 'Delores.' Delores doesn't like being laughed at. Probably, the funniest
bit to date!
9.08 Charly-grams -- Only as Charly can, Charly will call somebody during a
special holiday, usually at the request of a listener, and wish them a
Happy Birthday, or other festive greeting. A mere description does not give
this bit justice! It is another must-hear!
9.09 Who Would You Do? -- Someone would ask the men in the room, or on the
phone, if they could only have sex with one or another of two or more choices,
which would you choose. i.e. Who would you do, Rosanne or Delta Burke? The
answer, Rosanne,of course..
9.10 The Phone booth Challenge -- Don will announce the location of a phone
booth in a couple of cities, and call them several minutes later. The location
(city) with the most people congregated at a single phone booth will win
valuable prizes.
9.11 Phone Booth Olympics -- Contestant will wait at a predetermined phone
booth for Don & Mike to call. Don would then point out the location of another
phone booth close by,and have the contestant sprint over to the other location -
sometimes SEVERAL locations.
9 .12 Portable Phone Destruction -- Contestant would try and find the most
entertaining method of demolishing his/her portable phone. The destruction with
the most'character' wins valuable prizes. Good contestants have driven cars
over them, burned them with kerosene, smashed them with hammers, sawed them
in half with power-saws, ran over them with lawnmowers, but the best one was
aguy who swallowed his phone! (headset phone and he had to guzzle pepto-
bismolto get it to go down)
9.13 Spoons in the Dryer -- Contestants are encouraged to put many NOISY things
in the dryer, sometimes, even their phones. The dryer with the most interesting
sounds crashing through them wins! Good contestants have had shards of glass,
spoons, and bowling balls in the dryer.
9.14 Send us your Balls! -- Double Entendre for contestants to send Don & Mike
their golf-balls, beachballs, soccer balls, etc. with their names, addresses and
so on for drawings for valuable prizes.
9.15 The Don & Mike Bowl -- Was flag football for charity (the Have a Heart
Campaign for abused kids) with former and current Redskins. Last year raised
$50,000,and this year was softball because Don broke his hand (FINGER!),
and doesn't wanna get hurt.
9.16 Eat the Apple Game! -- One of D&M's famous bits that can only be done
successfully on location. Couples are chosen out of the audience, and the
female (usually) places an apple, WEDGES it, you know, right THERE! The
male, usually, gets down on his knees and munches on the apple all the
way around. The couple with the quickest 'eat' wins a valuable prize.
9.17 Home-Made jingle contest! -- Listeners are encouraged to send in jingles
and D&M judge them and pick the best. To the winner goes a thousand dollars.
There have been three so far and they were great. You can here old entries in
the cavalcade some days.
9.18 Highway Love Connection -- Someone, usually with a celluar phone (D&M will
let someone slide on a pay phone depending on their mood), will go to a
disclosed/ popular location looking for love. The caller will give their
description of themselves, including their likes/ dislikes/ personality/
occupation/ the type of personthey're looking for, etc. The idea is for someone
to listen for the location,and if they like what they hear, they will go and
meet the caller. D&M will usually give them a dinner together, and some cheesy
outing. Some of these dates have been successful.
9.19 Slam-O-Ramma -- Related to "Spoons in the dryer" (See 9.13). The object of
the game is noise, noise, and more noise. A caller will be sure to have lots of
items in his refrigerator, items which will make a lot of noise. A good
example would be glass bottles, or anything breakable.. The person with the
loudest sound will win. D&M will go for the breakage sound. One guy from KS
made his fridge shudder, shake, rattle and roll for 14.9 seconds. Although most
think it was a fake, I guess it's possible if you repeatedly slam the door.
9.20 The Vibrator Olympix -- This is a game where women call up, hoping to
impress Don a nd Mike with the sound of their vibrator. The caller is usually
asked what the name of the vibrator is. Sometimes, men will call up with their
partner's vibrator. Don and Mike usually speculate that it is really the man's
vibrator, but that he won't admit it. The object is to find the most
loud/annoying/interesting vibrator sound. This person usually wins this
particular contest.
9.21 The "My Two Dicks" -- song Don wrote this after talking about the
Bewitched television, show, Starring Dick Sargeant and Dick York as Daren
Stevens. It'll make sense as you read them. Sung to the theme to BEWITCHED
They're my two Dicks, oh yes they're my two Dicks First there was York, such a
dick Then I changed to Sergeant, hey what a trick I love two Dicks, they're
great to have around I'm always smiling -- with two Dicks why frown? I'm the
witch with the most fun -- can't you see Just one more Dick--and I'd have three
They're my two Dicks, oh yes they're my two Dicks And come what may, I'm proud
to tell you this I'd pass on a love-filled night with the New York Knicks'Cause
I'm the witch with two dicks!
9.22 Strip Trivia -- One of the most beloved games that Don & Mike play. In
this game, the boys troll the phones for contestants. They will break in to
whatever they're doing to take calls from women, but will take 5 seconds to fill
up the roster of men for the game. Once assembled in the studio, Don will read
questions out of The Trivial Pursuit book. The women are, of course, in the
studio with the boys, while the men go over to Buzz's studio with Robbay.
Everyone is introduced to the listening audience, and then the game begins! Each
member has to have five articles of clothing on to start. As Don asks
questions, people will remove clothing depending on whether the answer is
correct or not. If it is, the next person will get a shot. If it isn't,
then that person must remove one article of clothing. The object of the game is
to keep going around until all the people are naked except the one person who
is left clothed. That is your winner. All the naked people must run out of
the room to the tune of "The Stripper", where their close await them. During the
game, the boys are treated to women doing the "bra thing/trick", while the men
(also viewing the nudity of the opposite sex) will be sprayed with Lysol as they
take their clothes off. The idea is that men really stink, so it is needed.
Robbay usually handles the spraying duties. Sometimes, the women do little
dances/flashes for the guys as they are either leaving the room, or while they
are topless. Some of the women are comfy with their nudity, thus will hang
around for a few extra seconds. All the testosterone in the building (as well
as listening to the radio) always enjoys this. (Fill up the bathtub!) Other
times, Don & Mike will not get to look at all because the women run out of the
room so fast to pick up their clothing. (What a shame!)
9.23 The I Love You Drive-through Game -- Each car phone contestant must drive
through a fast food drive-through window, and all they are allowed to say is, "I
love you!" If the person on the other end responds with, "I love you, too!",
then you will win.
9.24 Bitch, bitch, bitch! -- Look out guys! After hearing this game, you'll
wonder where your gun is to avoid that kind of commotion about you by your
SO. Don & Mike get women to call and bitch about their husband/boyfriend. The
best bitch wins. (enuff said.)
9.25 It's all Relative -- People call up and answer questions posed by the boys
about the caller's relative. They then call the relative in question, and if
that relative answers/matches what the callers' responses were, he/she wins.
9.26 The Bark-off for Cash -- Simply put, Don & Mike get the owners of dogs to
call up and make their dogs bark. $1 per bark will be had, and the caller with
the most barks will win the amount of barks combined.
9.27 Yo-Ho, Momma! -- A caller will give D&M a number of their Mom (or whom
ever may answer the phone), and all the caller is allowed to say is, "Yo-Ho,
Momma!" (or whatever D&M tell them to say. The object is to keep the person
called on the phone for 60 seconds.If they hangup, then you lose. If D&M are
amused, they may keep you going for 5 minutes before they break into let you
know that you were successful.
9.28 Kill, Maim, or Torture -- Similar to the above game. A caller will tell
D&M whom they'd love to kill, maim or torture in their family. D&M then call a
relative and pose the same questions. If the relatives' answers/responses
match, then the game is won.
9.29 Guess The Whoopie -- D&M ask a caller "When was the last time your parents
made love/filled their marrital obligations?" If the Mom or Dad gets the date
within 24 hours ofthe callers' guess, then you have a winner.
9.30 The Don & Mike Commandments -- In late 1993 Don & Mike were issuing daily
commandments as part of a calling contest. Here is that list:
1) Buzz is Mike Elsten.
2) Bitchy women equal foxes.
3) Good looking guys equal morons.
4) Good Morning (insert city name), is a good idea for the name of a
TV show.
5) Nobody's home.
6) People piss Don off.
7) Be nice to mom.
8) I wish we were on TV.
9) All French women have hairy underarms.
10) Women with hairy underarms are unattractive.
11) Joe Jacoby is God.
12) People who love Hairy Anderson are stupid.
13) Jim J. Buttocks has good cheek bones.
14) Going through tapes on carts is a good idea.
15) Jurassic is a good new word.
16) Everybody hates Hairy Anderson.
17) Advertisers are greedy bloodsuckers.
18) Don't trust Roger.
19) Dennis Murphy is a mad viking.
20) You can't get VD from a toilet seat.
21) Billy Reed is not a man.
22) If it smells like cologne, leave it alone.
23) Push on the vagina.
24) Stop the 'Stop the Insanity' Lady.
25) Buzz Burbank made a funny.
26) Mike O'Meara-he ain't no circus clown.
27) God is an American.
28) God speaks American English.
29) Mike O'Meara had to ice down his genitals.
30) If you can tea bag, you can come to work.
31) You can get sicker from a baby than you can from a toilet seat.
10.00 Other Information
=======================
10.01 Contacts: 1-800-636-1067 STUDIO, 1-800-636-6410 FAX, 1-703-691-1067
INFO LINE, 1-703-691-1900 Switchboard to WJFK. This is where D&M broadcast
from. You'll get a nice receptionist named Terri. To register your listening
habits, Join the four Hour Club by calling:
1-800-404-HOUR, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don't join it unless you know you can
commit to them for twenty hours a week. Is that too much to ask?
10.02 Current Don & Mike Affiliates list (as of June 4, 1995)
All show times are Eastern and are live except as other wise noted.The show airs
from 3P-7P eastern. If your station is a slave to the man and you don't get the
entire show, give them a call or send them a fax (the station you're listening
to, NOT D&M, but they do love to bust on PD's and GM's, so give that a shot,
too.)
Mobile Alabama WNSP 105.5 FM
Jackson, Alabama WHOD (serves part of FL as well)
Sacramento, California KHTK 1140 AM
Chiko, California KNS
Denver Colorado AM
Washington D C WJFK 106.7 FM
Var.Tampa Florida WQYK 1010 AM 1010
Carrolton Georgia WPPI 1330 AM
Chicago Illinois WJJD 1160 AM
Burlington Iowa KCPS 1150 AM
Souix City Iowa KKMA 99.5 FM
Witchita Kansas KQAM 1410 AM
Lafayette Louisianna KACY 1520 AM
New Orleans Louisianna WSLA 1560 AM
Portland Maine WZAN 970 AM
Baltimore Maryland WJFK 1300 AM
Var.Hagarstown Maryland WARK 1490 AM
Worcester Massachusettes WXXW 98.9 FM
Reno Nevada KPLY 1270 AM K-Play
Albany New York WEMX-FM 94.5 (niney fowa fwive goiz!)
Buffalo New York WLVL
Long Island/Freeport New York WGBB 1240 AM
Rochester New York WHTK 1280 AM Hot Talk 1280
Charlotte North Carolina WCGC 1270 AM
Jacksonville North Carolina WLAS 910 AM
Wilmington North Carolina WMFD 630 AM
Cleveland Ohio WERE 1300 AM
Eugene Oregon KDBS 840 AM
Harrisburg Pennsylvania WCMB 1460 AM
Burlington Vermont WSNO 1450 AM
St. Albans Vermont WLFE-FM 102.3
Lynchburg Virginia WLNI 105.9 FM
The Line All times are to be adjusted to your particular time zone unless
otherwise noted (see above about live/tape-delayed.)If I'm missing a
station/need a correction, let me know with call/freq/ time zone.
10.02 Other connections to the Butt Pirates!
FAX-Servers on the Net: remote-printer. The Don and Mike Show @1-800-636-6410.
iddd.tpc.intremote-printer.
Mo-ron/DonGeronimo@1-800-636-6410.iddd.tpc.intremote-
printer. DandM/CanadianFootballHQ@18006366410.iddd.t pc.intremote-
printer. DonandMike/Butt-Pirates@18006366410.iddd.tpc.int
Don on the Net: 76100.2122@compuserve.combatman4730@aol.com
Mike is on CompuServe, but is not published in its directory.
10.03 Don & Mike Newsletter
All you need to do is send a letter requesting to be put on the mailing list.
It don't cost nothin'.
Coron, Inc. PO Box 8425, Gaithersburg, MD 20898
10.04 Don & Mike Address
The Don & Mike Show 10800 Main Street Fairfax, VA 22030
Also, to get on the "I've been on the Don & Mike show" list, which is compiled
by Joe Cassara, please mail him with all the detales (subject line relating)
to:jcassara@shadow.net.--
11.00
**SPECIAL THANKS TO THE FOLLOWING****FOR MAKING THIS FAQ POSSIBLE!**
Bert Roseberry roseberry@taney.comdt.uscg.mil
Coast-ey with theUS Coast Guard roseberry@eisner.decus.org
Most-eyP. Chinn pchinn@f47serv.mitre.org Told me what copro-phelia means!
John.PF john.pf@genie.geis.com
Eric Williams williams@nye.nscee.edu
Eric Prestemon eric@american.edu
Ay-YOO! DC Williams dcwill@moriah.ee.unr.edu
David A. Titzer titzer@grizzly.nrl.navy.mil
Anders Baker an129387@anon.penet.fi 'de man with no
tanpeter_steinberg@mail.amsinc.com
Jerry D Smith jsmith@mcl.bdm.comtsprincess@aol.com
Michael Freeman FreeMas@ix.netcom.comraydio@aol.comjaollnge@netcom.com
cheezeface@aol.com (Carl Grossman)
Terry Kuehnemann
DaJ8431@aol.comrescate@access2.digex.net (Bill Anderson)
And last, but not least, Fraiz@cais.com for giving me the meat and a damn
good outline to work with. We wouldn't have a FAQ if you hadn't put together
the basis for what is here today. Q-dos to you!
One final thought:
I know some of you may not like the Don & Mike show. We know that, and you
don't have to waste your time telling us that. But hopefully, if you give them a
chance, you will allow them to grow on you. If you can laugh at yourself, laugh
at others, have a good time, and to not be a tight-ass/sensative about every
little thing, then the show is just for you. Also, a childish atitude/ 6th
grade humor/personality wouldn't hurt, either.
*-www.travelbank.com-*
Reproduced, with permission, from TravelBank.com Systems.
Computer Information Utility, Travel & Recreation Information.
